


i used to be my own protection, but not now

by notthebigspoon



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 15:58:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy possesses a very negative outlook on life. The easiest way to avoid heartbreak was to avoid love period. Problem is, it's very hard to avoid James T. Kirk.</p><p>Title from Valentine's Day by Linkin Park.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i used to be my own protection, but not now

Leonard. McCoy. Is. Bombed.

Even if you couldn't tell just by _looking_ at him, you could probably smell it coming from him in waves. He's hunched over his desk, staring at his hands and the charts he was already supposed to have written up and realizing that he is absolutely scared to death of what is happening in his life. It suddenly went from reasonably comfortable (despite the residual pain and heartbreak of his marriage ending, that never quite went away) to completely terrifying ever since the whole mess with Nero and the Romulans.

It's not the publicity, not the fame. Those things were things he was never interested in in the first place and their suddenly being thrust upon him hasn't changed that. It's not the new job and the mass responsibilities being placed upon him. It's none of that.

No, Leonard McCoy is slowly but surely falling in love with James Kirk.

See? Terrifying.

He hasn't spoken a word to Uhura since she entered his office to let him know that Jim was seeking him out. And god DAMN that woman for being so intuitive and refusing to allow Bones to just keep hiding.

“You're avoiding the captain. Is it because you're drunk on duty or, which I find to be more likely, are you avoiding the captain himself? Because while I don't fault you for that, I have a feeling this has to do with the fact that you two are.... involved now.”

Damn. He thought they'd been hiding it better than that. At least in their defense, Uhura's an extremely intelligent woman who probably would have figured it out even if they had been. He scowls.

“Do I bother _you_ , Lieutenant Uhura, when you've somehow shifted the stick in Spock's ass? I don't think so.”

Uhura simply smirks, as if merely pleased that her guess had in fact been correct. She doesn't say another word about it and instead repeats her initial words, “The captain wants you... in his quarters.” 

God damn Nyota Uhura.

***  
James T. Kirk is an unavoidable menace to society. Dirty, rotten, lowdown no good and never above employing underhanded tactics to accomplish what he wants. Like faking a medical emergency to get Bones to come running to his quarters with his med-kit and terror in his heart, thinking _Jim Jim oh no not Jim don't take Jim_. Had he been sober, Leonard would have realized and remembered that they probably would have brought Kirk to med bay if the situation were really so dire as he'd been led to believe.

Bones jabs him with a hypo spray anyways, taking slight satisfaction at the jump and yelp that he's treated to.

“I can not believe you Jim. What's wrong with you? Are you brain damaged? Is _that_ your medical emergency?”

It's both difficult to stay angry and to not get even angrier when Jim gives that lazy, self satisfied smile. Especially when he's wearing those stupid well worn pajama bottoms that cling to his ass and that too tight t-shirt he refuses to throw away. Leonard just gives a weary sigh and sits down on the couch. But on the other end.

“Bones, relax. It was the only way I was going to get you down here so I could talk to you without you avoiding me, or getting Chapel to warn you that I was coming. Or was it Chekov? You really should stop exploiting the kid's crush on you.” Jim grins but it's not the same shit eating one that usually won't go away. There's something there that almost makes Bones feel bad for avoiding him. God, maybe this just really isn't going to work, because Jim may be his best friend [and now maybe lover] but that doesn't mean that this isn't going to go south. Relationships have a way of doing that to you and destroying everything you ever wanted from life.

He slouches down in his seat and stares at his hands through the silence. He doesn't like admitting he's afraid. Doesn't want to sound like some emotional circus freak though Jim already knows everything, knows how damaged he was after the divorce and how difficult even just doing this is. That's probably (definitely) the entire reason that Jim's been looking for him for the past few days. 

He considers whether it will be Chapel, Chekov okay, he TOTALLY exploits the crush) or Uhura that he'll have to be seeking revenge on for not giving him fair warning that this was coming and Bones comes back to himself to find Jim's fingertips grazing over his cheek and down his neck and that's not fair. It's not fair the way it makes his skin goosebump and it's not fair the way that Jim is smiling at him like that, like everything will be okay and McCoy is crazy for thinking that it ever couldn't be.

“If you think you're getting jack shit out of me with that little trick and that stupid smile, you are sadly mistaken darlin'.”

Venom, contempt, anger and that certain 'you are fucking _stupid_ ' tone that is always reserved just for Jim's benefit. It makes the captain snatch his hand and retreat back across the couch, getting up and walking away. The look on his face makes Leonard sick.

“Fine, doc. You're dismissed.”

“Jim...”

The door to Jim's bedroom swishes shut and that's the last noise he hears before giving up and leaving the captain's quarters, blindly stumbling back to his own to break out the bottle of Jack Daniel's he keeps stashed in his closet in case of emergencies.

***

By the next evening, the ship's gossip circuit has made it clear that the captain and the CMO are at odds and refusing to go anywhere near each other. This means having to answer stupid questions and people whispering when they pass him in the hallways. It also presents the slight annoyance of Chekov taking Jim's usual seat with Leonard in the mess and take advantage of the chance to puppy eye over him. 

Sulu looks like he wants to break shit, and Bones _knew_ it, knew that he'd had a thing for Chekov. Uhura is making not so subtle attempts to take a picture. Spock, as he so often does, looks rather amused by them all. That more than anything makes him want to take his fork and jam it through something... or someone. Spock's been gunning for Jim since his promotion. Scotty's only interested in stealing McCoy's fries when he isn't looking.

Like things so often do, they go from bad to downrightfuckingshitty. It's pretty well established after a week of silence that yeah, this really _isn't_ going to work and even once Jim starts talking to him and laughing again there's not so much as a trace of the relationship that might have been. They don't sleep together again and they don't talk about it. And then Jim has to go and be fucking _Jim_ and start touching him again, smiling at him, and remind Bones of just how attached it is that he's gotten and how unattached he probably never will be.

One night Jim turns up at his quarters with a big smile on his face and Bones can't _stop_ himself from grabbing the smug little bastard and pulling him into a kiss. The requisite line of clothes stretches from just within the doorway to the bedroom. Jim's hands are warm and clinging and eager as they run across Bones' body and Bones suddenly needs this, needs it even more so than before because Jim is smiling at him, like this could work for him someday and maybe he just needs to stop fighting it so hard and give in.

Jim's mouth runs a trail over Leonard's body, just soft kisses in spots that Leonard can scarcely believe he still has memorized, the ones that make him shiver and shake. For once there seems to be absolutely no intention in teasing, just this look that he can never remember seeing before that makes Leonard bite back a whimper and close his eyes to hide the emotion reflected in his own eyes.

That stupid crazy wonderful mouth closes over his cock slow and smooth the way Jim never is and it's all Leonard can do not to thrust up. He wonders where those hands are, because Jim likes to touch and curiosity compels him to open his eyes. Occupied, two slick fingers sliding into his ass and oh yeah, Bones is gonna die happy.

It's not until he's on his back, he and Kirk chest to chest, Kirk's hips rolling in slow and lazy strokes, that he realizes what's going on. Kirk's breath, warm over his lips as they kiss and then hot on his ear as Jim whispers, “Keep this. Keep me. We could be so good together. I don't want to let you go.”

Bones feels his heart clenching, feels that uncertain feeling spreading through his body and then rise like beaming off the transporter, just vanishing. Later, when the sheets are changed and they're both still damp from their shared shower, he rests his head on the pillow next to Kirk's and watches the delicate features of his face, reaches out and grazes over his cheek, the way Jim is so fond of doing to him and smiles because maybe it _will_ work out.

***

The next day he returns himself to the bridge even though they really don't need him up there. He hangs around grumbling and pretending that he doesn't see the moonie eyes that Chekov is giving him. There's a sudden shift in the status quo and for the first time in a while, Bones has one of his fleeting bolts of fear that maybe everyone _knows_ about the two of them. Uhura gives him a knowing smile and damn it if that pointy eared bastard on the other side of the bridge doesn't as well. He wonders if Spock figured it out on his own or if Uhura spilled the beans over pillow talk.

Then he gives a full bodied shudder because ew, _no_ , he so does not need to be picturing that.

Jim's smiles and glances towards him are laced with their usual mischief and leering but there's something else there, a little disbelief and a lot of fondness and maybe... maybe that one word Bones hasn't said to anyone in a very long time. He passes behind the captain's chair, grazes rough fingertips over the back of Kirk's neck and judging by the subsequent whispering he hears on his way out of the bridge, he takes it that his action was indeed seen and the intended point was indeed made.

A smirk plays across his face as he returns to sick bay and the paperwork he _has_ to get done.

 

“I can't _believe_ you did that. In front of everyone. I heard them whispering about it when I was in the mess!”

James Tiberius Kirk is currently standing in the living room of Bones quarters, arms flailing like a flamingo on Ritalin as Leonard nurses a cup of orange juice dosed with vodka and quirks an eyebrow at him. He is not going to give the benefit of so easily admitting that he's finally caved under Kirk's will. No, he's not going to do that at all because this is _way_ too much fun and it was about time that Jim was the one who took a turn at getting embarrassed.

Except then his eyes light up and he's pushing the juice out of Leonard's hand as he takes up a spot in the doctor's lap and, “Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a couch!” There's no heat in his words, though, and Bones slouches back into the couch with a smile on his face and his hands resting lightly on Jim's hips, thumbs rubbing circles through the fabric of his uniform pants. “And what is it, exactly, that I did?”

“You totally let the bridge, and thereby the ship, know that we're... y'know, _together_.” Jim beams brighter. But then it dims and he frowns, forehead wrinkling in concentration as he drops his hands from Leonard's shoulders and into his own lap. “You do know what that means, right? The consequences of this? What's going to happen if you freak out and start thinking this isn't gonna-”

The word 'work' is muffled by the soft press of their lips. Bones smiles into the kiss before pulling back and cupping his cheek. “This _is_ going to work, Jim. I believe you when you say that it will.”

“I just want to share it all with you. This. Space. The adventure. _Everything_ McCoy. I need to know we're on the same page here.”

“Do you remember how it was, when we weren't talking, when we weren't together? The fear and the misery and looking out at space and thinking how this is too big and too scary to do alone?”

Kirk nods.

“Then don't do it alone. Do it with me.”


End file.
